Chapter 7: The Unseen Blog

     This is more so for myself than anything else. I have so much going on in my life right now, and so much upcoming that I felt logging it somewhere outside of my OneNote Journal pages. A somewhat more organized documentation of what's happening. Will anyone read this? Doubtful. And I'm perfectly content with that.

    My life has taken crazy twists in the past years, but the most important thing is where I am now.

    So where am I now? Not in the geographical sense of course, but in the sense-of-self kind of way.

    Last year, I discovered a passion and adoration for programming and game development. I tried to learn programming for game development in the past, but my interest and drive that admittedly started somewhat lackluster, tapered to a lame dribble and was inevitably forgotten. 

    What changed this time? Maybe it's my age showing, but quite honestly the thing that I think triggered the paradigm shift was my frustration with games that I tried to play. Every time I've played a game in recent years, I end up feeling let down by the flow of the game, or the mechanics not quite feeling right, or just design and gameplay choices that annoyed me more than anything. I kept thinking "This is how I would have done it!". After enough occurrences of experiencing those similar thoughts, I got fed up and experienced the ego-driven thought: "I can just do it myself better!".

    Kidding--somewhat. 

    The real thought that drove my new passion was "I'll design a game that is perfect for me."

    There's nothing inherently wrong with the games I've played and had gripes about it. Hundreds of thousands of people pick up those games and have zero issues with them. But after many years of gaming being the predominant hobby of mine and the one thing that I would sink hundreds of hours into on a yearly basis... I had become picky. My taste has soured by the fact that time has become so much more precious to me. It no longer seems worth it to commit hours of my time to something that isn't completely enjoyable.

    So I started learning to code and develop games. 

    Aside from getting to the point of developing my 'perfect' (again, for me) game, I also have a strong desire to create tools and systems that will help others with similar struggles to what I face.
    Mainly: Task management, time management, self accountability, and maintaining good habits lifestyle choices.

    I'm currently developing a system to help myself out with those things.

    I have ADHD and struggle heavily with self accountability... I am completely unable to self-manage modern daily life efficiently without aids. Between juggling chores, relationships, family, friendships, diet, exercise, personal wellness, keeping track of upcoming events and appointments, home to-dos, programming game development, programing software development, trying to start up an online jewelry store, working on my art, trying to carve out time for learning.... it's entirely too much for me to keep track of.

    I've tried task management systems hobbled together. Nothing fits perfectly, and it's always been an amalgamation of  5+ different apps and systems at any one time to keep track of things. Even with those set up, it's still hard to get my easily distracted and forgetful ADHD brain to routinely keep track of that many systems. But it's what I had to manage them, and it was better than nothing.

    So, I'm designing an all-in-one system for myself. I have the hope and dream that it will also aid others, once it's in a usable state. Designing this system is my current passion-focus. Game Development is also still present, but it's on the sidelines for now. The best thing I can do for myself right now, to improve my future time developing games, is to work on something that will aid future me's ability to manage a big project like game development. 

A secondary passion-focus for me, is the work on a VR app that I've started. It's a treadmill app that let's you traverse through custom beautiful tailor-made scenes on your treadmill, walkingpad, stationary bike, etc. But I'll go more into that in a future post.

An Unexpected Guest // The Story of Niko Pt.1

    A number of weeks ago now, while taking out the trash, I saw something rather unexpected beneath our carport. It was a small black kitten who darted beneath something as I startled it. But it didn't run. Instead it poked its head out and watched me warily as I deposited my trash bag. From what little I was able to see when it jumped to its hiding place, it was a little on the thin side.

    We own a dog, so all we had on hand was human food and dog food. The closest thing on hand I could think of that would be safe for a kitten was lunch meat. I knew the instant I started thinking about what I could feed the poor thing that this was going to end up one way: the cat would be sticking around. Or at least some part of me hoped.

    Sneaking back inside, so as to not startle the kitten further, I snatched up a packet of lunch meat and went back under the carport. Tearing up the pieces small, I set them on the ground and clicked my tongue to intrigue the cat and get it to come over. Sure enough, it stalked over on high alert. Slowly, it inched forward as I continued to tap the ground where the food was and made light clicking noises. Eventually it was in reach of the pieces of shredded up lunch meat and started feasting. It ate a generous portion, and looked up at me with interest. I didn't want to try touching it and cause panic. Instead, I extended my hand gently. As I hoped, it walked over and sniffed me. I let it wander around me for a short while, before mosquitoes started to swarm around me. Standing excruciatingly slowly, I went back inside.

    At lunch time, I returned to the carport with more lunch meat. Lo and behold, the kitten was there, as if anxiously waiting to see if this strange human would bring more noms.

    This time it approached more confidently as I drew it over to the shredded meat. Again, it ate its fill and wandered around me. It would even rub against me. Taking this as a sign of a small amount of trust, I tried to reach out to it, but it'd pull away. I didn't try again; I was content to just let it warm up to me in its own time.

    It was this time I had my phone on me, and decided to snap a picture to warn my boyfriend that I had begun feeding a stray kitten. I wasn't sure what response I'd get. I'm known for obsessing over wild animals, and have on a number of occasions gotten begrudging looks for it.

    Despite my worries, I didn't get an entirely negative response. I assured him that it would be an outdoor cat alone. I believed that too. What a fool I am.

    The next day I purchased actual cat food, both dry and wet, for kittens. I mixed the two up and offered it to the kitten and it happily chowed down. It was either this day or the next that I tried to sex the kitten. From what I could tell, it was a female. As days passed, I became more confident it was a she.

    I struggled for a number of days on what to name her. I thought about naming her something from an anime I had been watching recently, but nothing really seemed to fit.

    One day as my boyfriend and I were in the kitchen, after I had announced I didn't know what to name her, he volunteers the name Niko. Well, less volunteered as announced that it was going to be her name. I laughed and said no. He was adamant that it was a great name for her.

    Eventually it sort of stuck as a temporary name, but in my mind I held that I was going to find the perfect name for her. Even more eventually it stuck as her permanent name. Niko was feeling more and more 'right' as days progressed.

By this time I had given her a water dish that I kept fresh and would occasionally fill with ice cubes (It was peak summer, at the time). I had given her a box with old shirts lining the bottom, though she never seemed to use it. I also fashioned a toy from a piece of wood and the scraps of one of our dog's rope toys. She adored playing with it. She had also taken to letting me pet her. And boy did she love being petted.

On one day, again in the kitchen, I asked 'Why Niko?". The response I got wasn't one I expected. "Because it's 'cat' in Japanese!"

"...That would be 'neko', not 'niko'."

"Oh, well, maybe it's how a little child might accidentally say cat in Japanese!"

That earned a bit of a laugh, and Niko was now official.

He had commented about how he was probably going to end up feeling bad for her and bringing her inside during winter, and I kept brushing it off. Plenty of cats live their entire lives as outdoor cats, and I can give her plenty of things to snuggle up to for warmth.

After these sorts of comments continued, I finally asked, "Are you serious that you'll probably bring her inside during winter?"

When he said yes, I determined that it would be best to just go ahead and bring her inside now, while she's still really young. It'll give her more time to get acclimated to our over-excitable 80lbs lab, and train her.

Now, our dog Mal is a big, happy guy. And he really likes having friends. Too much. He'd never hurt her on purpose, but because he doesn't know what size he is or his strength, and he's generally really bad about knowing what his paws or other body parts are doing, he could easily hurt her. So day by day I'd take Mal out on his leash and force him to remain calm. He actually took to it really well, though of course he had his disobedient moments.

This way, he learned that to be around the cat required that he remain CALM.

Her first time inside of the house was actually unintentional.

My boyfriend's sister came over to the house, and she came in when she got here because we left the door unlocked for her. She calls out that she's here, and asking if she knew we had a kitten under our carport. Coming out to greet her, she has the kitten in her arms. Inside the house.

By this time, my boyfriend is also out to greet her, and we're both just sort of staring. "Yes. She's an outdoor stray we've been feeding."

"Oh. Should I not have brought her inside?"

Well, too late now. We assured her it's okay, and that it was going to happen at some point.

I guess now we have a cat.